On Remembering Gram…as recounted by my Mom

Last March 31 marked one of the most important days of my life, it was my Gram’s 6th death anniversary. She was 87 yrs old when she died a painful death, colon cancer. Gram had always been strong and got a high tolerance for pain. She thought it was just her ulcer acting up every time she was experiencing pain in the stomach, we didn’t know that it was something more serious than that. It was too late when we found out. The cancer had metastasized and already in the fourth stage. When the doctor told me that, I thought I was asleep and having a nightmare. I felt numb, my knees wobbled and I was lost for words. I couldn’t believe that my Gram who took care of me since I was just 3 days old will be leaving that way. When my 3rd eldest brother died at a young age of 4 and a half years old because of hit and run, my Granma never stopped praying for my mom to have a daughter who looks exactly like my brother. And her prayers were answered. I’m the fifth child, the only girl and I got my late brother’s looks. Granma was so happy and swore to take care of me until I grow up. And she did. She took care of me until she got weak because of sickness and could no longer keep her promise. I remember that I won’t go to sleep at night when Gram wasn’t beside me. You see my Granma was fond of making ice candies of different flavors like mango, avocado, buko, strawberry, vanilla, melon and my fave of all chocolate. Her ice candies were the best. Her secret ingredient: love. She did it out of her great love for her grandkids. Most of the times she stays up late doing about 50-70 ice candies. And I would fall asleep with my head bent down on the dining table waiting for her to finish. We were voracious ice candy eaters as kids. And hers were the best tasting. We would just loll it on our tongues and wait for it to melt in our mouths to savor the deliciousness of each and every flavor. Too bad that I did not get to learn her secret why her ice candies were so delectable and addictive too. As a child, I would love to climb trees, play in the sun, simply put I’d come home all dirty and sometimes even muddy. When I get so tired because of too much playing, sometimes after eating an early dinner I would climb on bed and go to sleep right away without even bothering to wash up but Gram won’t let me. Even if I was already fast asleep, she would take pains in keeping me clean. She’d bring a basin with luke warm water, soap and a small towel then she’ll wipe me clean. After which she’ll change my soiled clothes with  fresh and comfortable pajamas. That’s why to this day I don’t go to sleep without freshening up and changing into my night wear no matter how tired I am. And I taught all my nieces and nephews to do the same. Gram never failed to make me breakfast even if we’ve got maids to do that, she used to wake up very early to make one just for me. My favorite is fried egg mixed with fried rice smothered with banana ketchup and it is still true for me until now.

Granma was so selfless. She loved me unconditionally even if I wasn’t able to love her back with the same intensity. And that’s my biggest regret, letting my chance ran out to show and tell her how much I value and love her. She was already unconscious when I filed a leave from work just to stay with her in the hospital. I took good care of her and tried to make her feel comfortable whenever I could but she wasn’t awake anymore to see my labor of love. You see my Granma fell into a deep coma immediately after her delicate operation. The doctors had to put a colostomy bag for her to release the waste and toxins in her body that’s why they needed to operate upon her. Her wails and cries of pain whenever she was asleep are forever etched on my mind. Because she would never let us know how much she’s hurting when she’s awake. I remember her pleading to me to give her even just a candy or a banana to eat because she was so hungry. But she was not permitted to eat by her doctors. I followed their orders strictly, even though my heart was breaking every time she begs for even a scrap of food. Had I known that she’ll only last 15 days and not 3 months as the doctors said, I would have allowed her to eat all her favorite food. I would have let her out of the hospital and made her go to the places that she always wanted to visit. If only I knew that after just a few days of being confined in the hospital she’ll lost all her consciousness and slip away without regaining it back, I would have told her how dear she was to me. That I treasure every little thing that she ever taught me. That I cherish and love her more than she’ll ever know. But I never had that chance again. Even if I repeated in her ears over and over again that I loved her so much, she couldn’t hear me anymore. Even if I almost didn’t go to sleep because I was afraid that when I do I might lose her but she was not able to see my puffy eyes from too much crying anymore. Even If I held her hands, ran my fingers through her silver gray thinning hair, planted kisses all over her face, she wasn’t capable of feeling already. And it was so heart wrenching for me to see her lying motionless, void of any expressions, feelings on that hospital bed. I wanted to hear her laugh, see her smile, look into her beautiful eyes but it was too late. My chance to experience all of that has already passed me by, I let it slip from my hands.

When I went home to get some clothes and about to go back to the hospital, my cousin called and said that Granma was gone. She was met by our Lord Jesus Christ. She died on an Easter Sunday, March 31, 2002. She knew that I would never be able to bear seeing her draw her last breaths.

That’s my Gram even during her dying moments, she still thought of me. That’s how great her love for me was. And still is because last Monday, March 31, my husband fixed me a plate of fried eggs with fried rice full of banana ketchup. I nearly cried. How did hubby know when I never told him about it? That I couldn’t answer. But one thing I knew when I saw what he prepared for breakfast, it was Gram telling me that she loves me and she forgives me and that I should start forgiving myself too because she knew how much I loved her and was thanking me for it. Thank you Gram for setting me free, I will always love you.